Let’s talk about Steve.

Let me tell you about Steve. First off Steve is not a man. He’s a rooster. He was the first rooster I formally met and I’d soon find out that he was in fact a douchebag. Phil called him Cleveland. But he called all the chickens Cleveland. Even Cleveland, who thought she was a rooster.

I was forewarned of Steve’s ways but after several days of no incident I began to think it was an exaggeration and I let my guard down. For a week I checked for eggs while Cathy was out delivering mail for the post office. On one particular day I grabbed the basket from the pantry and set out to check the eggs lest the blue jays or the chickens themselves get to them. I crossed the dirt path to the coop with confidence. I knew I was going to find some eggs. And that’s when that motherfucker attacked me. From behind no less. Later I’d learn that roosters always attack from behind. Fucking pussies. Perplexed I grabbed a stick. I didn’t want to hurt him or cause injury to Alpha’s rooster so I waved the stick towards him. When he continued to attack me I hit him lightly. This also did not work. At that point it was clear he was persistent in his endeavors to hurt me so I quickly strode to the coop and stole every single egg.

Doesn’t he look like a douche?

That night I loudly exclaimed to the group that I had confirmed that Steve was in fact a dick. This led to quite a few chuckles and a late night conversation on rooster psychology. By waving a stick at him I had unknowingly challenged him for dominance. For the next couple days he waited for me. I’d find him outside of every door, staring at me. He made collecting eggs hell. Several people made suggestions. One member advised me to hit him with a broad shovel, just once, to show him who was boss. Again I was too timid. Again I was worried about hurting him.

On one of the last days of my stay with Alpha Farm we were out working for the garden and we were low on fertilizer. We had collected seaweed earlier that week but it needed time to dry out. With no hay to spread Dan had the idea to use the grass from the lawn. Excited to do something new I quickly took on the task of mowing the lawn. I was having so much fun that I didn’t see Steve across the lawn looking at me. With a smile on my face I revved up the motor, walked towards him, and watched him run away.